Friday is really a Cry day.

Crying while posting, and I hate it. I've been told that everything's going to be alright. That it's all part of growing up. I was quite okay before. I mean, I had a couple of people to talk to whenever I was sad. But today, I just lost 2 friends, 2 people I'd probably talk to about my bad day.. I lost one of my closest friends because I answered her badly despite her concern. I lost the other because of an I-don't-know reason, probably because I was laughing during club time and he thinks it's because of him..

Things just keep on getting worse, don't they? They just double in impact and go together to hurt me more and more..

It's difficult. I feel like life must end soon.. Better yet, now. I feel like nothing's going right. Everything seems to be falling apart.. Everything seems difficult. Everything seems sad. Everything seems painful and is painful. The heart's broken once again, but it's much worse now..

Cowardice.

They say when you're in love, you'll let go. You'll do your best by making that person happy by staying far far away. You'll do your best to be happy for the person. Some others say that it's cowardice. Well, I think so too. It is cowardice. What if you'll discover, when it's too late, that you're that person he loves? Well, that's you. Not me. That's something that will only happen to me probably when the earth revolves around mars. That's how impossible it is.

So, what is my point here? Is this post only about my thoughts on cowardice in love? Of course not. It's about what happened today. I just can't think of any better title.

Basically, I started my day bad. I got heartbroken last night when my mom told me that my tita can't watch PBA with me and that I should go home with her. That has double meaning: going home wasted and not getting what I've wanted since the last century - pictures with my favorite players. And, of course, because of the other thing. (see first post)

The day got worse every minute. In the end, it became the worst Tuesday of my life. I was happy at first because we had good times. (we=me+him) Then, everything just vanished into thin air because I heard him insult my busmate and, sort of, friend. If there's one thing that will make me insane for a day, it would be people who critisize others without proper reason to. I mean, my busmate did not do anything wrong to him or his friends. But why insult him? I guess I feel for my busmate. I got insulted by my first love before about my pimples. That made me promise myself that he will never be able to say that again. I went to the dermatologist, used different medicine, and suffered a lot of pain. Look who's laughing now. My face is even cleaner than his. Anyway, let's go back to the bad day. He's such a coward. Simply because he's backstabbing my busmate. Gosh, I hate him. What if he's also insulting me behind my back? How should I know? Also, I got so stressed by the CVE Long Test. It's a documentary-making activity and it's a group work. Our leader is really iresponsible. I mean, he wasn't able to do anything yet. Not even a plan. Another thing is the stupid re-scheduling of BGK's game. Well, it's supposedly on Friday, second game while PF's game will go first. What a wonderful schedule, I thought. PF vs CCT as the first game. BGK vs SLR as the second. And this will all be watched by me, seated beside my beloved Jamships and the birthday girl. Stupid change. Instead, it will be on Saturday. In San Juan Arena, wherever that is, I don't know.

Everything seems to be going back. The sadness is coming back. The memories are back. I'm back to square one. Myself back to the normal, depressed person I was before. I'm back to the coward me. The person who seems to fall after every blow. The person who can't find her self worth. The person who can't stand up anymore. The coward me who can never confront the people who hurt her.

I hate this. I guess I haven't changed at all. Maybe that person, who was happy with life, wasn't me. That girl is just a product of my imagination because that girl is what I always wanted to be. A girl who's carefree, happy, fun-to-be-with. Maybe it's time to leave that imaginary scene and face reality. Maybe it's time to face the fact that, maybe, it isn't really about them anymore. Maybe it's about me. Maybe I was just too cowardly to think about myself, instead, I probably blame him for my sadness. That's really stupid.

Well, I'll leave this here. Nothing more to say. I think this post is not about cowardice but about having a clear vision of what I really am. Good luck, myself.

The Sudden Realization.

Well, here it goes. The blog's very first post.

I'm really sad today. and yesterday. Well, sort of. I started a very blissful November 16 but ended with a depressing day. Why? It's all because of the sudden realization..

I don't know if I'm being over-acting but I feel like the person I like, likes my friend. I suddenly remembered, as I saw his name, that day when my friend rode at his back. You know, like how the Koreans do in their telenovelas. It's devastating to think about it; but then, I suddenly remembered it out of no where.

The other disturbing thing about that is how close they are. They belong to the same circle of friends. I don't really care if my friend will like him or not because it seems like she doesn't give a damn about him (though I hope she wouldn't) but what I care about is how he thinks about her. It's painful. I already sacrificed for two friends. The first time was when I did not disagree with my friend when she realized her love for my 2nd crush. Get it? I mean, they liked each other while I kept quiet and understanding. I did not want to be the hindrance to my friend's happiness. The second time was that I kept quiet once again when I felt like my friend was sort of liking my first love. Love. Yes, my dear friends, I've learned to sacrifice for my friends' betterment.

I am absolutely unsure right now. I guess I felt that he will like me in the end too. But I guess I was wrong. I will never be like my friend. I will never be like his ex-girlfriend. Everyone will always be better than yours truly. Every girl in his life will always be more important to him than me. I'll always be that girl he'll talk to only when he's bored or when he feels like talking about PBA. I'll never be like anyone. I'm different. In a bad way.