hirap mawalan ng ina.

Hindi ko alam kung ano gusto kong sabihin.. Sobrang ang sarap umiyak ngayon pero ayokong makita nila ako, ayokong magmukhang tanga at mahina sa harap ng family ko. Walang makakaintindi sa 'kin, alam ko yun. Yung taong akala kong maiintindihan ako at inassure ako, siya pa pinakunang nawalan ng gana sa pesteng ako. Eh bakit nga ba.. As if may magtitiis sa kin, hanga nga ako sa iba eh, ang tibay. Hindi pa sumusuko. Pero alam ko namang konting panahon nalang, bibigay din sila. Maiinis sa 'kin, magagalit, iccondemn ako, ssabihan ako ng go to hell, iisiping mas maganda pa kung wala ako sa mundo. Hindi ko siya mommy talaga, pero tinuring ko na siyang ganun. Friend ko siya at kung alam niya lang kung gaano ko siya kamahal at kung gaano kasakit sa 'kin na hindi ako nagpakita sa kanya kagabi.. Feb. pa kami last nagkita at sobrang miss na miss ko na siya. Pero kailangan talaga. Kasi akala ko darating dun yung taong gusto akong pasabugin. Malay ko ba namang hindi. Tapos hindi pa ko makatext kagabi dahil sa walang kwenta kong cellphone na naghang nung nasa araneta na kami. Hindi ko alam. Hindi rin siya nawala sa mundo, pero sa mundo ko, unti-unti na siyang aalis kasi galit siya sa kin. I always have the tendency para hindi ipilit ang sarili ko sa iba. Pero ngayon, gustong gusto kong magmakaawa sa kanya, para hindi siya magalit sa kin, para maintindihan nya ko, pra wag mawala yung friendship namin. Gusto kong pilitin siya, gusto kong gawin lahat ng pwede para lang wag siyang magalit sa kin. Pero ano nga bang magagawa ko. Wala naman di ba.. Wala kundi umiyak ng umiyak habang mag-isa kasi, once again, misunderstood na naman ako.

Lagi naman eh. Kelan nga ba ako naintindihan ng mga tao. Pinilit kong makapunta kagabi kahit na nagkagulo pa kami ng nanay ko talaga para lang sumaya ako. Pero yun pala hanggang dun nalang yun, pagkatapos pala puro problema lang. Kung alam niya lang sana na iniimagine ko ang sarili ko in 3 years na kasama ko na sila, na wala ng hahadlang sa 'min kasi legal age na at hahayaan na ko ng parents kong magpunta kung san ko gusto. Kung alam niya lang na pakiramdam ko ako ang pinakawalang hiyang tao sa mundo. Kung alam niya lang sana..

Si mommy, mahal ko yun, mahal na mahal. Kung alam niya lang sana. Pero hindi, parang nabura lahat lahat dahil lang sa lintek na pagpunta ko ng araneta kagabi. Lahat nalang dinidisappoint ko. Ang sarap sumabog. Sarap magbuntong ng lahat sa kung ano. Sarap magbato ng plato kung saan para lang hindi ganito kahirap huminga. Pero ano nga bang magagawa ko, wala. Wala talaga. Feeling ko sobrang helpless ko at feeling ko rin na wala ng magandang patutunguhan ang buhay na 'to. Kung wala akong takot sa Diyos, ang tagal ko na sigurong nagpakamatay.. Ang sarap isipin na sa isang iglap, wala ng problema. Wala ng gulo, wala ng aasahan. Siguro, kung meron akong natutunan ngayon, yun yung WAG UMASA SA IBA. Lalo na sa pang-unawa nila. Kasi in the end, wala rin namang makakaintindi sa 'kin kundi ako lang. Kaya maganda pa, wala nalang kaibigan sa mundo, walang pamilya, kanya kanya nalang dapat. Para walang nasasaktan, walang umiiyak, walang maddisappoint, walang aasa, walang magpapaasa.

KUNG ALAM MO LANG KUNG GAANO KITA KAMAHAL.

the number five.

Selected people, you know how much the number means to me. It's my favorite players' jersey number and it is Chris' (i'll use his name again. haha) number. Well, I liked the number long before I liked him. I mean, Chris came into my life first but, Jondan and Macky came into my heart first. :))

Anyway, ever since I watched Madagascar 2 in Cinema 5, the number didn't haunt me. Not until today. I first saw the number in a varsity player's jersey. Then in other players' jerseys, both basketball players and volleyball players. Then in a person's jacket. (i wanted that!) Then in the time. Then in the bus accreditation numbers. Then, in sooooo many more places. It's really haunting you know. I just found out that the last sign is the 5th. I just realized that my nickname has 5 letters and so is his middle name. (yes, i know it already! weeee) I just recalled that he is the fifth guy and that I'll be turning 10+5 in 5+5 days. Then, Mr. 5th Guy has actually been my laughing stock a while ago (remember that niece?) and my chatmate now. weeeee..

Yaaah. It feels so weird for a number to haunt me. My niece told me of the story of "the number 23." I felt goosebumps. :)) I still love the number. It's my destiny to love it. :)

** thank God I found you. **

series of unfortunate sign searches: the break, the pink car, and the last sign.

** long title, i know! **



Still can't believe the signs. :)) had to ask for mooooooore. There came the ending of my confusing january FIVE. January 6, what should i do? Well, it was section 30's PE day and I came with my club's p/f. I was thinking of another sign in my head once again. Sign #3 -- if he greets/looks/talks to me, the first sign is true.


I was there, spending the break with madame president. Then he passed by and looked at me teasingly. ayheytdis.. (ahc members, you know that look right? you've seen it a lot of times already.)


Okaaaay. Shocking. And stupid to ask for that sign. It's quite common. That made me look for sign number 4 on the 9th of the month. I stayed until 5:30 since I watched the PE quarter exam of sections 31, 33, and 38. Funny, we had the same song for the Q.E. :)) I was hurt once again. You, selected people, know how jealous I was. Anyway, I stayed with my niece and she told me the sign to look for while we were talking in the parking lot. I must see a pink car pass by -- that would mean that the first sign is for real. I didn't want to see a pink car! :))

I left school and was happy for not seeing a pink car. :)) I was reading text messages. Then, i suddenly looked in the window and saw a pink Honda jazz! gooooosh... :((

Still in denial, won't believe it. I don't wanna wait for nothing or expect once again. It's just to make me happy after the jealousy I felt when I was watching him dance with his more beautiful partner. I need the final sign.

And the last sign isssssssss... secret! :)) 9-11 days from now, it must happen or else all the signs would mean nothing. It's the most impossible sign I've asked for, to be honest. :))

**read the next post for this day. it's really weird.**

don't talk to meeeeeee!

(stupid title. just can't think of anything else.)



This is the continuation to the sign, cosign thingy.. Anyway, I did not believe the sign, okay? So I asked for another. :)) This time, if he talks to me, even just utter a word, the sign must be true. I stayed awaaaay from him during dismissal since that was the time that the sign must happen. I'm telling you, I tried my best for this sign not to come true. But looks like fate will find you even if you hide from it.



It was my friends' group's practice for their quarter exam. I stayed for a while since, as usual, I didn't even try to go with the 2:45 bus which leaves 5 minutes after the time. Anyway, that was the start of the new sign search. I really stayed away for the sign not to happen. I just can't accept the fact that God is, once again, kidding me. Well, we have inside jokes. :) So Chris (:P i'll still use his name. haha) was in the lounge and I stayed away from the lounge and went with my friend and her groupmates whenever they went. We ended up in the gazeebo. Section 30 was there. They were practicing as well. I was watching her classmates' practices but not hers since I didn't want to go to the GS area. :)) I was there, concentrating well on the practices, not thinking about the sign.



Suddenly, they came. They, meaning Chris and buddies. I was praying that he won't talk to me. Well, I was quite confident that he won't talk. He rarely does when he's alone, what more when he's with his friends? Then, gaaaaaaash. He just came behind me and said one word, "alis." Teasing me again since I was the only non-section 30 in the place except for him. gaaaaash. with the stupid word comes the sign. :((



Yeah, God made me happy and confused. hmmm. Why? It isn't my birthday yet... hmmmmm.. well, it's the FIFTH of the month.. yaaah, that's probably why. And I missed him, that's a fact. yaaah. yaah. convince yourself, my dear blue apple. :))

sign, cosine, tangent.

Forgive me, I'm just too confused. Read on to find out why.
------------------------------------------------------

I asked for a sign this morning, out of nothing. I just thought, "hey, what if I take the risk and ask for a sign again?" I have stopped doing so ever since the colored cars sign. I was so afraid to commit the same mistake. But, I guess I have completely movsed on from the sign incident and took the risk again.

The sign? Well, it was simple yet difficult. Weird, right? Simple 'cause I asked God to give me the fifth guy to talk to me (not just greet or look) and he'll be the person who'll love me for what I am and he'll deserve all the love I could give. Difficult 'cause only very few guys open a conversation with me before I do. The morning went on and I lost count early. I couldn't accept the fact that I was stupid enough not to count. I said the same thing in my mind again: "Lord, kung sino po yung 5th guy na makikipag-usap sa 'kin during lunch, siya na yung magmamahal sa 'kin."

Lunchtime starts at 12:30 and ends at 1:15. I was ready, yet nervous. What if no one's destined to love me? What if I wasn't ready for the unsure answer? On my way to my locker, a batchmate talked to me, actually teased me and asked me why I was quiet. (Is it really unusual for me to keep quiet?!) There's the first conversation, very unexpected since we rarely see each other. The next one was between me and Chris' friend. (fave big sis, i'll use his name for you-know-who ha..) The third was between me and my hyper friend. I was waiting for the last two. I ate my lunch,finished, cleaned up everything, ate dessert, and laughed with my close friends. Probablyl, only 10 minutes were left 'til the bell rings, finishes lunchtime, and destroys my sign. I was desperately praying that God would give me the 4th and 5th guys to get it over with or else not give me anyone in school.

Suddenly, Chris' friends and he were coming our way. To be honest, I expected Chris to be the 4th guy. I felt earlier that he was about to talk to me since I saw him coming at the corner of my eye. But this time, he really did, with his friends. His friend told me something I didn't understand. Gosh, he's the 4th. Then Chris repeated the same thing and I didn't understand it too. :(( he's the 5th. whyyyy???

Why am I sad when the one I like fulfilled the sign? Well, I'm afraid. What if I'd expect again, wait again, and not get anything again? What if he still loves Esme (wow. cullen. hahaha. ex nya yan.) but was immature to give up on their relationship? gosh. so difficult! Well, I'll just trust God. He gave me the sign and He surely has a plan. I know that He'll help me. I'll just wait for Him to do what He plans to do. In the meantime, I'll convince myself not to expect.

** sign, cosign, tangent? confusion, my dear. confusion.**

i hate this part.

I had a really horrible experience in the online world before. I met so many fans of my team now who criticized my team before to the highest extent. I hated them and they hated me. Fan rivalry is what you call it. Then I met someone else, a fan of the same team. We texted and he traumatized me. He asked me if he could court me even if we just texted for a day. I was so shocked and didn't know what to feel, what to say. I asked my friends for advice, did their advice, and finally got over it. But I avoided the online world for so long, probably months. I was scared that the same thing would happen. Shallow, I know! But my mind was so childlike during that time so you possibly can't blame me.

Then i met some wonderful people in this world. It's difficult to explain but I had good times with them even if we haven't met yet. I enjoyed the group so much that I saved a lot of money to be able to enjoy unlimited texting every week/weekend. I endured every criticisms they made about my former team, even if they hurt a lot.

But sometimes, people just cross the line. They hurt you much without even caring! *sigh* I don't know but, for the first time, I wasn't patient enough to let it pass. Well, I did let it pass but deep inside was pain. Pain because I never expected them to hurt me this way. It's not just about fan rivalry, which is such a worthless issue compared to friendship, but about respecting one another. I've never been told such things straight to my face before. I mean, not in that painful way. It was so straight-forward. It was just, painful. It's not easy to explain but my heart was just injured or something by their choice of words.

I know that I have to just ignore what they said but whatever I do, I always remember what happened. It's sad, very sad to think that the friends I love are the very same people who'll hurt my delicate heart. I hate this part, it's probably the part I hate the most. I forgive; actually I have already forgiven them. But I can never forget such things, such awful things. They just keep coming back inside my head whenever I stay silent, thinking about the past or whenever I see things that remind me of my experiences.

I guess this time, it'll be about sacrifice. I'll just let them blab all they want while I'll support my teams in my own silent way. They're not all bad to me anyway. Why should I ruin my friendship with this group when only about 5 people were horrible? But the question is, how long can I stand all these without fighting back? How long can I let things pass? How long can I keep the silence?